Prayers

Sometimes I think I pray and pray and that God just doesn't hear me, or doesn't care, or just plain does what He wants regardless of how I pray. Sometimes I wonder if it's all a futile exercise that's supposed to do more "good" for me, as a means of gaining discipline. Sometimes I get mad.

But what I've been thinking lately is that I simply don't NOTICE all the bazillions of times that God has answered my prayers. It's just that the times that my prayers aren't answered "my" way are the ones that I notice. How many prayers has God answered, a million times over, that might have just taken longer to unfold, and I wasn't paying any attention?

It occurred to me the other day that I prayed for my son when he was little, that whatever was happening with him wasn't something lasting. I mean, he was a screamer. A LOUD screamer. Out of control. Inconsolable. Irritable. Miserable. This continued for 2 years. Then, he was late to develop verbal skills. He never played "pretend." He had all sorts of strange behaviors, like carrying around bouquets of pencils and pens in both hands, always having to have his hands full. He lined up cars in long, long lines and constantly corrected us when we mismatched colors on his toys. At two years old, he went berserk on several occasions, screaming and thrashing and appearing possessed, all because he was scared of balloons floating away. Now he's six and seems quite normal (if a little like a hall monitor/boy scout sort :-)). When I pondered this the other day, I thought, maybe he didn't just "grow out of it." Maybe he was healed. Maybe God was answering my prayers and I just didn't have my heart and mind opened to acknowledge it.

There are so many other things, things which we could call "slow miracles," that happen all the time. Whenever I start resenting my circumstances or getting the wrong answer to my prayers (so I think), I need to start praying and asking God to make me aware of all those prayers he's been answering all along. Sometimes they just take longer. Which makes them even better.