Well...

Today is not off to a great start. I stuck to the "schedule" all day yesterday, but last night it all went down the drain. I had a raging headache (which is still continuing, ugh) and was so exhausted, I just couldn't fight it. Cole wanted to nurse every hour, and rather than walking him around or otherwise distracting him from the breast, which I had absolutely NO energy to pull off, I just kept him in bed with me and nursed, half-asleep. I did pull the bassinet next to my bed, but that only lasted a couple minutes each time I put him in it, and then he would cry, so I took him out so my husband wouldn't have to listen to it all night. So...any advice? Janet? Megan? Thankfully, Cole does not seem to be "colicky." He still cries very rarely. But he grunts all night long. The appropriate term for his wakeful time (which is typically from 3-6 a.m., blah) is the Grunting Hour.

My headache is really awful right now, so I'm just not feeling very positive right now.

I did get a little laugh yesterday. I was loading my kids in the car to go visit a friend, and out of nowhere, Audrey says, "Don't worry, Mom, you'll survive!" I chuckled and said, "well, thank you Audrey...I am not doing very well right now." And she said, "well that's because you have a big tummy! And your butt is really wide!"

If you can believe it, I thought it was funny enough that I actually did feel better!

What Do I Think?

I've been wondering lately what my personal philosophy is about parenting. I'm pretty sure I don't have one, or at least one that fits neatly in any one category. Basically, depending on the age of the child, my "style" veers from one method to its polar opposite. For instance, my temperament leads me to instinctively subscribe to most of the methods purported by Attachment Parenting advocates. I breast-feed on demand, I prefer unmedicated childbirth and have "roomed-in" in the hospital with all my kids (not by choice, though!), I wear baby in the sling a lot, I co-sleep (I don't have a crib and my bassinet is full of my clothes at the moment). Heck, I even cloth-diaper now! But the pendulum swings wildly when the kid is older. I can't honestly say that I am into "gentle discipline" (don't worry - I'm not into violent discipline either!), I probably let my kids watch WAY more TV than any AP advocate could stomach, and I have no problem with exersaucers, swings and bouncy seats. I vaccinate...but off-schedule and I promise I did my research on that one first.

So what does this make me? Confused?

Really, you could just call me "lazy." I'm not, exactly, but many of the things I do, I do out of convenience - what works best and most easily at the moment. For me, I'd rather feed my baby every 15 minutes than listen to him cry for 45. I'd rather co-sleep than get up repeatedly during the night. I'd rather use a cloth diaper than spend every last dollar on disposables. I'd rather carry baby in a sling than put him in a bouncy for a few minutes and watch his wobbly head fold in some awkward-looking position and hear him crying within seconds.

BUT, yesterday, in the wee hours of the morning, in my sleep-deprived stupor, I decided I'd give this scheduling thing a try. I mean, I can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" when I have three other kids 6 and under! So I consulted my friends who have used the technique with great success, and gave the whole thing a whirl. Somehow, I managed to keep his feedings about 3 hours apart all day ( a record, I think, for my babies). That pattern mercifully continued until 5 a.m. this morning, so I did manage to get some sleep (and even a dream or two). After 5, however, Cole was up with his usual Digestive Disturbances, so no amount of sleep-training was going to help a burping, farting, gagging baby who was desperately trying to void w/o success.
I think (hope) it might get better once my milk supply adjusts to the schedule. That is, if I actually follow through. We'll see. I'll keep you updated!

Ashton

Ashton, my little sweetie pie. Ashton has a great position in this family. While he's the true "middle child" he's still got it made. Wesley might be first, Cole might be the "baby", Audrey might be the princess, but Ashton is just plain special. He has a way of capturing my heart like no one else. Such a momma's boy. Such a joy.

Ashton has always been so laid-back, I'm sure the result of two super-duper rambunctious siblings he's had to contend with. He was the one in nursery at church, surrounded by screaming babies, but himself oblivious to the noise and happily spinning some wheel. Ever since he could use his hands he was spinning things. A future engineer? Or maybe a chemist. He's awfully interested in pouring things from one container to another to see what happens. But as for now, he's just my snuggle-bug and the family clown. He's got the beat and he'll dance to everything! He'll giggle and wrestle and sing songs and play practical jokes and make sound effects. He'll steal something from Mom (Sally as he calls me 100% of the time) and go running underneath the table. Lately he's been obsessed with having important calls on my cell phone. :-)

I love seeing him with his brother and future best buddy. While he's demonstrated a fair amount of jealousy over the new baby, he hasn't taken it out on Cole. When he sees him, he rubs his head and coos, Baby baby baby! Oh, iz al wight, baby, baby!

So, Ashton, get used to it, you might be the middle child but you always have a special place in Sally's heart.

Audrey

Today's entry is all about Audrey! My girly-girl!

Audrey is precocious, spunky, tough but loveable. Just the way one has to be in a family with three brothers! She can wrestle and karate-chop with the best of them, but she can turn around and create elaborate works of art with markers and glue (her favorite drawings are mermaids and sea creatures), or play with her Barbies and Polly Pockets for hours on end. She likes Dragon Tales and Caillou (*shudder*) but like her mom, she could easily do without TV at all. She would much rather have friends come over and play pretend and create things with her.

Audrey LOVES to hold Cole and asks repeatedly throughout the day if she can do just that. She is so sweet and gentle with him. The little rascal has also convinced Daddy to let her continue sneaking into bed with us (with Cole in there too, we're like a heap of puppies), but she's so careful even then. Here's one peek at the two of them:



Audrey has lots of friends and a tender heart. When Aunt Sharron left the other day, she cried her little heart out, recounting memories of the last two days she had with her. She's not in preschool this year, but I can imagine she'll LOVE kindergarten. This year, though, she is enjoying the one-on-one Mommy-daughter time she gets when we sit down to learn our letters or how to count by tens or whatever we do. She beams with pride when we praise her gorgeous artwork.

Her "Boston accent" still befuddles us all. Since she's never been to Boston, it's amazing that she can sound so much like a native. Pahk the cahr in the gahrage, anyone?

I love my little spitfire and wouldn't change a thing about her.

Wesley

Today's Star is Wesley Joel! My little first-grader!

He seems so grown-up now as the firstborn in the family. Always enthusiastically reciting facts and figures and informing us about the way things work. He is eager to learn and brings home lots of work from school, letting me know that he is indeed learning! How wonderful it is to be at the point at which your once-newborn is now reading and writing, computing and figuring. My favorite one-on-one activity with Wesley is to read with him.

Wesley is a mini salesman. He made lots of money peddling lemonade at my garage sales this summer. He even made deals with people, like "All kids get lemonade for free! But their parents' drink costs $1." :-) He is VERY interested in money. A little possessive of it, I might add. He loves getting to buy lunch (PIZZA) at school, and loves to carry his money around in his pocket.

His favorite activity is to play video games. Of course. ;-) But on his birthday (which was this past Sunday) he received a nerf basketball and net, and he and Daddy have had a blast shooting hoops. They have really bonded these days. I love to watch how a little boy loosens his grip on Mom and gravitates towards Dad. And I mean that. It's amazing how God plants that desire to grow to be a man in the heart of a little boy.

Wesley is a sweet and loving person, rarely angry and often sensitive to other's needs. He loves his friends. He takes good care of his brother. He is helpful when I ask (nicely). He's bright and eager and full of energy. I'm a lucky mom.

An All-Positive Post

So my sister pointed out that almost all my blog entries thus far include a hefty dose of complaining, and she's right! So this post will be all positive.

Here's why I'm thankful these days:

• Cole is just wonderful and I'm so glad I enjoyed the pregnancy and am enjoying his deliciousness, remembering to savor a time that goes way too quickly.
• My house is somewhat clean and organized, and heck, it's a house, and a roof over my head!
• We got rid of our expensive dentist and found an insurance to use next year that isn't astronomical, and that gives me hope for this upcoming "tight" season.
• My husband had a week off work, now my sister is here, and after that, I have such wonderful, special friends who keep me company and love my kids. I still haven't experienced the "baby blues" yet this time.
• I'm learning a lot about motherhood and the Proverbs 31 ideal in my bible studies.
• I have a bathtub! And good books! And candles! And a lifetime supply of bubblebath! Okay, not quite a lifetime, but my late MIL really hooked us up.
• MOPS is going really, really well! And I'm so excited about the women there, and how it has grown.
• And my kids (yes, the same ones about whom I'm frequently complaining) are just amazing. I'm so blessed to have healthy, vibrant, quirky kids who make me laugh, swell with pride, cry with thanksgiving, and learn how to be a better person while parenting them.

My next few posts will be devoted to each of my kids.

Ah, Joy

Last night I was holding my sleeping child in my arms, and I kept asking my husband, "are you SURE our other kids were this cute? Are you SURE??" Because I can't remember being so blissed out. He assured me repeatedly that yes, indeed, the others were just as cute, but it's just hard to believe. :-) I'm still in the first week here, so I know that's it's just adrenaline and euphoria, but there's something so incredibly magical about holding that teeny tiny little bundle of a creature against your skin and just drink in his preciousness. And to think I couldn't imagine loving him as much as my other kids. God must just laugh at us.

So I'm doing well. Still waiting for the "blues" to set in, but hoping against hope that maybe it won't be so bad this time. I just want to get out and about and not become isolated. That might be a challenge, however. The biggest hurdle we've faced in the last five days is the immense difficulty we have getting all four kids out of the house. It's cold outside, so in addition to all these people, we also have to factor in all the coats, socks, shoes, gloves, hats, etc, most of which are yanked off and then lost under something before we make it out the door. I'm finding myself losing patience with the older kids almost constantly. Which isn't fair to them. It's easy for me to adopt the martyr mentality and try to play SuperMom, and I just have to accept that the house is going to be a disaster, I won't be able to volunteer so much at church, I might have to prepare easier dinners (or let other people make them for me!) and I might have to accept that I'm flawed. *gasp* I need to be on my knees, going to my God for strength and peace, and admitting that without Him, I just won't get very far.

He's Here! He's Here!

Colton Paul (Cole) Molhoek
Born 10/18/06, 3:17 p.m.
7 lbs 19.5 inches

And he's perfectly healthy, perfect and wonderful in every way. But of course I'm biased!

I made it to my scheduled induction at 10 a.m. on Wednesday, the dr. broke my water at 12, and since he discovered that I was still 2-3 cm (no progress since last week) he suggested Pitocin. Because I'm clueless I agreed, but he and I both really wanted him to deliver this baby. He was off at 8 p.m. and I really didn't want the labor to be so slow that I'd miss my chance.

So I sat around after the Pit was started for an hour or so, and then the contractions began, fast and furious until the end. No slow build-up over time as in my spontaneous labors. And no water bag to cushion baby's noggin. So, OW. Thankfully, I had a blessing of a labor coach - my friend Jen - and she was a great support, reading me Scripture, reminding me to breathe and relax, telling my husband to stop announcing all my contractions as they showed up on the monitor, feeding me ice chips. My volume rose in increments (with each centimeter I think). I shook like crazy throughout most of labor and even fell asleep "between" contractions during transition, just like the books say.

Mercifully, I was complete at 3:15 and had him out by 3:17. I really hate pushing. Ow ow ow. After a contraction ended, I just kept on pushing. The dr. just shrugged, "I think she's just going to do this." And I did and out came Cole and I was instantly enraptured. His apgars were 9 and 9 (despite meconium in his fluid) and he has a sweet kitty-cat cry. A face like his sister's except for a nose like his daddy's. I didn't tear (first time out of 4!).

Most of the last two days have been spent holding and carrying around this perfect little creature. I have every intention of lapping up every moment (colicky or not) and rejoicing in this one last chance to have a newborn around. I know full well that time will fly and before I know it he'll be driving me bonkers like my other kids are doing.

Preggo Brain....

for one more day! Then I'll only get to claim mommy-brain, which I'd say is less effective in trying to persuade someone that I'm not just ditzy.

This morning I decided to call the dr's office to check on procedures for tomorrow's induction, and I became frantic searching for my phone. I looked everywhere, and since I don' t have a regular home phone anymore, it is my only source of communication...not a good thing to lose when you are very, very pregnant. It occurred to me, somewhere in the middle of my hysteria, that I might have packed it with my son's backpack.

So...I loaded up the kids and took the drive to his school, and sure enough, it was tucked in his backpack. Good thing nobody called this morning! Wouldn't that have been a surprise for my 6yo to hear his backpack ringing.

I also had to go to the Secretary of State's office today because the bank teller informed me that my liscense expired a month ago! Good thing the cop who stopped me never noticed that! So another $25 and a butt-ugly photograph later, I am now fully equipped with a valid liscense and my updated insurance form should I get stopped for something ridiculous again in the near future.

In a few minutes I'm headed out to meet a friend for lunch at Uno's. I told her it was imperative that I eat something fattening and yummy today! Whatever I get it will be most definitely finished off with dessert.

Hold on 36 more hours, please!!!

Okay, I'm counting down! 36 more hours until I'll start actually hoping to go into labor. Until then, please NO! After all this time, I've made it this far...I would love for Dr. G to deliver this kidlet. I can't wait, though. I need to see that this baby is healthy. I have been enlisting the help of my kids and asking them to pray for me and the baby. How sweet to find out that my daughter asked everyone to pray for me in her Sunday school class yesterday.

Today I'm just trying to relax and keep baby inside, and my friend is going to come over and keep me company so I don't spend my day fretting about the baby. We're going to do "homeschool" with our kids. I found a recipe for homemade "fossils" made with coffee and coffee grounds, so it should be an interesting morning! It is my goal to keep this house as clean as it is right now, but somehow that seems impossible. I blew my stack this morning when I went down to discover how my kids TRASHED the basement in one evening! Tell me why it is necessary to throw every piece of every game or toy in 25 different directions, or why, when going through a drawer or cabinet, it's necessary to pull EVERYTHING out and leave it there?

I also have to go to the courthouse across town today. GRRR. Some bored cop saw me on the phone the other day, tagged me as a dumb blonde and pulled me over because I was "stopped in front of an intersection" - meaning I was stopped at a red light in front of a teeny tiny side street on which there were no cars. Sorry, sir, don't mean to cause gridlock! He didn't give me a ticket, but unfortunately, I couldn't locate my updated insurance so now I have to drive across town and produce my insurance for these people, FOR $25. Total racket. I get to pay $25 for the immense privilege of showing them my insurance.

I'd much rather use that money to feast my little heart out, considering I only have 2 more days (at best) of no-holds-barred eating before it's back to dieting and fretting about my fat. I will definitely eat some sort of fattening dessert today.

saturday

It's been a few days! I have been dealing with panic attacks concerning the health of this baby. Even though my latest u/s (on Thursday) was completely fine, according to the tech, I worked myself up into quite a frenzy obsessing over the pictures. I've recovered somewhat, but I don't think I will be completely at ease until this baby is in my arms. Oh, heck, who am I kidding. I won't be completely at ease after that either.

I think my problem is too much down time. We've had freezing weather and SNOW (*gasp*) in the last couple of days, and I've been cocooning in the house, which isn't always good for my mental health, when cocooning includes two children, aged 2 and 4, who enjoy making messes and complaining about their endless boredom. Audrey is apparently going through some sort of growth spurt because she is eating like a horse lately. She'll ask for (and eat) breakfast and - I'm not kidding you - she's ready for more food 20 minutes later. Yesterday she had a large lunch at 10 a.m. Well, I guess it's good. I kind of remember that Wesley was eating this way during the same time frame, so I guess its' normal. Just tiring for me, the nice mom who ends up screaming, "ASK ME ONE MORE TIME FOR FOOD AND YOU WON'T EAT ANYTHING AT ALL!!!"

Countown to baby: (if he doesn't make other plans) four! Four more days to be pregnant, four more days until the childbearing portion of my life is over. I suppose it's not impossible to imagine that I *could* end up pregnant again (we use NFP and won't be pursuing sterilization), but it's unlikely. At first I was unhappy with this set-up. It was my husband's idea to be done. But after my last two days of hysteria over this baby's health, I'm not sure I'm ready to roll the dice again. Talk to me again when I'm not riddled with hormones, and my story could be very different, of course.

Well, Sigh

So I had my OB appt and I am not ultra-dilated as I had thought (guess things feel different from my, er, angle). I am 2cm with the head "right there" and the dr. did say that all he'd have to do is break my water and I would go into labor. But of course that means next Wednesday. So I know that by the end of Oct 18, I will have a baby. Here's hoping that if I don't go into spontaneous labor tonight or tomorrow (when he's on call) then I will hold on until then. I don't have any more OB appts scheduled, so we're down to the wire here.

I do have to have an ultrasound on Thursday! Baby was only measuring 34 cm. So they want to make sure he's big enough, or growing properly, or something. He measured 37 cm last time, so I'm thinking that unless it's possible for a baby to shrink in utero, he's probably just snuggled inside my pelvis the same way Audrey was. She always measured small but u/s proved she was quite average and she was 7 lbs 10 oz at birth (40w1d). So anyway.

I'd really prefer to go into labor tonight. I am really quite sick of the same old cleaning over-and-over-and-over-again routine. I need a life of some sort.

Patience, Cheer, Enthusiasm...

GONE.

I am in the most foul mood this morning. I'm not sick so much of being pregnant but I'm very sick of everything else. My 2yo merely walks through the room and I'm nearly yelling at him to stop it! He opens a door and I'm fed up. My daughter asks me for the bazillionth time how many more hours to her playdate and I feel like blowing my stack. I don't know if this is hormones or what but I'm ready to go hide in a corner and cry.

One possible explanation - I've cleared my calendar and finished most of my big projects, in anticipation for a birth that could happen any time. I'm a little restless. And the stuff I DO have to do is stuff I'm actually re-doing for the umpteenth time since my kids are slobs. Everything seems to fall out of every cabinet I open, or something comes crashing to the floor (usually thrown by Ashton), or I'm cleaning up a spill or a bedspread or a high chair or a pile of shoes that has magically grown overnight. I'm constantly scrubbing down my kitchen in some mad attempt to rid this place of fruit flies. I'm dealing with a neverending influx of laundry and I think I'm just feeling like this life of mine is a little tedious.

Of course, in my post-partum state, I'll long for these last few weeks with the affection of a 8yo and his puppy. If I think life is hard and tedious NOW....

Anyway, I have an OB appt today (if it doesn't get cancelled, of course). Maybe I'll get to see what's happening down there and how many more days of re-doing everything I have ahead of me.

So My 2yo Calls Me Sally

I have no idea how he decided to do this, but Ashton is fond of calling me Sally. I address myself as "Mommy" when speaking to him and my other kids call me "Mom," so this puzzles me. I mean, my husband calls me Sally and all my friends and their kids call me Sally (or Miss Sally) so I suppose he just hears that more often. But still. I showed him a picture of my husband and me and asked him who it was. He said, "Daddy and Sally!" Every morning I am greeted with a cheerful "HI SALLY!" Even when I say something like "That's Mommy's computer" he'll echo with "Sally's puter!"

Crazy kid. If it wasn't so amusing I might be irritated.

Cider Mill!

It was a gorgeous day today, so we took advantage of the sunshine and our chance to enjoy one of our last "family" times sans newborn, and went to the orchards nearby. In all reality, the very reason a family goes to the orchards is to take pictures. And eat donuts. We did both. But the kids had fun petting the animals and posing for pics and riding the wagon out to the "pumpkin patch" (the big field where a bunch of pumpkins were dumped).

I had fun because I remember how bittersweet our trip was last year. While the weather and the enjoyment factor were equally good last year, it wasn't 3 hours after the excursion that I had my first emotional breakdown, having miscarried only 2 weeks earlier. It was nice to go this year, ripe with active child, and thank God for the blessings I have. This is quite random, but I also remember eating turkey meatball soup for lunch that day. I *LOVE* that recipe!

Bah

Okay, obviously God's trying to pry control out of my tightly clenched death grip as usual. As has been the case in every.single.pregnancy, my doctors are always ready and available for every appt during the course of the pregnancy, that is, until the last few weeks. And then, every time I'm scheduled for an internal exam, they are inevitably called into emergency surgery or are sick or something and I get bumped. Usually this irks me because I am impatient and wanting baby to be BORN NOW and the VE's give me hope that delivery is just around the corner. This time it's not exactly the same. I certainly don't have to deliver today, but I really want my doctor! WAHHHH!!! I had this scenario in my head of him telling me I was 5cm and saying, "oh, by the way, I'm on call today so why don't you just head to the hospital now and we'll break your water?"

See, I am just not very good at submitting to God's will. He's going to do stuff His way and I need to be out of the way. Sigh. No matter what, I'm going to have a baby, right? Is it really going to make much difference whether I have a certain doctor or not? It *would* be nice if he happened to be around to deliver this baby. But if not, then God's still in control and God doesn't make mistakes.

A more urgent prayer would be for me to make it to the hospital in time to deliver without my other three children present, so maybe I should focus more on that...

Rainy Day Rambling

I'll be 38 weeks tomorrow. Funny how the time seems so muddled right now. I was diligently counting the days a few weeks ago, but now (since I'm full term I guess) I have to think about it before I can say how far along I am. Last night I did what I said I wouldn't do this time: I took castor oil to try to self-induce. I'm not feeling very impatient at all, and I'm not uncomfortable, so it wasn't for those reasons. Actually, I just really, really, really, really want a certain doctor - who was on call last night - to deliver this baby. He happened to deliver my last three and it really wouldn't seem right to have anyone else share this experience with us. Of course, ultimately it's God's decision and plan, and He knows best, so phooey on me. Obviously, since I'm sitting here typing this, the c/o didn't work anyway. ;-)

Well, it did produce whopper contractions for almost every hour of the night last night, but they were never regular and did not get progressively worse, and they obviously stopped eventually. Once it was time to wake up and get Wesley to school, of course. I'm not terribly disappointed that I'm not "done" being pregnant or that I'm not trying to clean meconium off a screaming baby's butt, but I'm just a little nervous that I have an entire week until my doctor is on call again, and I don't want to deliver in between! Again, God's plan, God's plan....

Chaos reigns in this house these days anyway. I nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to cook dinner the other night. Ashton tearing apart my pantry (MUST!BUY!LOCK!) to steal food, Audrey wanting to help cook and putting her stool smack-dab in front of everything I need, Wesley bugging me for water, or a snack, or an alternative to whatever meal we're eating (since he'll almost never eat what we eat w/o a fight). I'm trying to imagine cooking dinner with all the same chaos AND a baby crying in his bouncy seat (likely because Ashton has bopped him with something or Audrey has hugged him to death).

So can I just stay pregnant for another few months?

Audrey's Nighttime Prayer

Every night Audrey prays the same:

"Dear God, please protect me from monsters and spiders and ants and grasshoppers and all the tastiest bugs you've ever seen, and please bring me a baby girl. Amen."